How shall I tell my child about the death?
Talking to your child about the death will not be easy, but you will probably feel relieved afterwards and glad that you have been honest. It is distressing for a child to find out about a suicide by accident, so it is important to be honest and open from the start. They may feel betrayed and unable to trust you if they think you have not told them the truth. It is easy, especially with an older child, to underestimate their depth of feeling, their ability to conceal it (often to protect their parents and loved ones) and their unexpressed need for detailed information about what has happened. Very young children may not understand that death is irreversible and that a dead body cannot feel anything. They may think that they have caused the death in some way. Use simple words that your child understands and encourage them to talk and ask questions. Your child may ask the same questions over and over again. Listen seriously to their questions, even if they seem trivial, and try to answer them honestly and consistently. Children may not take everything in at first, so be prepared to tell the story of what happened many times, as this helps them come to terms with their loss. One way of explaining suicide is to tell your child in five stages:1
- Explain that the person has died.
- Give simple details about how they died.
- Say that the person chose to take their own life.
- Provide a more detailed description of how the person died.
- Explore possible reasons why the person chose to die.
These stages can be introduced within a short space of time or over a longer period, depending on the needs and age of the child. Use plain, direct language and avoid phrases like ‘passed away’ or ‘gone to sleep’ (as this may alarm children who take things literally and may be frightened to sleep in case they don’t wake up). Make sure they understand that the person will not be coming back. If you believe in an afterlife and want to tell your child about it, explain that they will not see the person again on Earth. It is very important to make it clear that the child is not to blame or responsible in any way. Reassure them that they are loved and cared for, and that other adults in their life will probably not die until the children have grown up.
Your child may ask you why the person chose to die. You could say something like:
“Mummy had an illness which made her feel very sad and confused. She felt so bad that she decided it would be better if she wasn’t alive any more.” “Your brother had a lot of worries – he had lost his job and then Mandy said she didn’t want to be his girlfriend any more. He was drinking a lot of alcohol and maybe this made it difficult for him to think clearly, so he thought things would never get better. We’re very sad that Sam wasn’t able to ask for help. Nothing is so bad that there isn’t some way out. That’s why we need families and friends who look after each other – but we need to tell people when things are going wrong so they can try to help us.”
- Reproduced with permission from Beyond the rough rock: supporting a child who has been bereaved through suicide. Diana Crossley and Julie Stokes (2001). Gloucester: Winston’s Wish.
- Adapted with permission from Canterbury Bereaved by Suicide Support Group, www.supportfind.com/cbssg
